She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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