Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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