is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
