I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Randomize
