Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
