I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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