You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
