The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
