he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
