I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
