I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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