It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
