yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
this is an emotional support booty call
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
