peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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