are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
