SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
