You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Little spoons don't ask big questions
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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