I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
