Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
