I want you more than these girls want KFC
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
