I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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