I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
