so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
