Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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