Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
