I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
