I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
