i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
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