I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
