mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
