Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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