There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Why is your signature on my underwear?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
