I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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