Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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