you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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