I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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