a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
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