I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
