Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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