Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
