his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
