her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Green mimosas i think yes
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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