Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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