I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
