Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
