just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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