Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
