I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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