Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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