The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just want nice things and good sex
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
