in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
