my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
