I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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